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There is pain in your eyes, yes
in the taciturn line of your mouth, from
Long, sleepless nights spent
begging the gods
or the devils
that you could be anything other
than what you really are
Unguarded moments
where the dog and pony show
of pretending to be happy
to better tend the needs
of those who ignored yours
is relaxed, ever so slightly
so that the hellish nature
of merely existing is allowed
to show through

But, take a second look
Understanding is there too
in the eyes, I see it in the eyes
and acceptance and, just behind the smile
is that peace?
I think it is

Perhaps everything
is fucked beyond repair and
exactly the way
it’s supposed to be

Max Mundan, a second look

© David Rutter 2014

Follow me on twitter @dmr226

sir, you're hotter than walter white

Ha. That’s the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day. Thank you.

The poet in repose.

The poet in repose.

I pour myself a cup of coffee
the way I always take it
bitter and black
just like my heart

and I remember

The day before thanksgiving……. 1991…….. holding you…. in my arms watching your eyes….. open……. for the very first time
Feeling… the warmth…. and softness of your skin
Understanding….. finally…… what it means to love… perfectly
Imagining…… a life…… with you………that was never……. going…… to happen

I wish that I were with you to celebrate your day
though I’d cringe were you to witness
the man shaped massacre
that I’ve become

What presents could I give you
my precious, little girl?
Humiliation, self pity and heartbreak
are the only gifts I have to offer

Your mother wasn’t wrong
to take your little hand and run
as far and as fast
as her feet could carry her

It’s better you don’t know
this hazy, fading shadow
of the man I used to be

So I raise my cup and saucer
high above my head
to offer a toast
that will never reach your ears

Tomorrow’s for thanks giving
Today is for regret
Happy birthday, baby

wherever the fuck you are

Max Mundan, Rehab Stories: Happy Birthday, Baby

© David Rutter 2014

1) When your trainee fails, repeatedly let them know how disappointed you are with them. That you expected so much more from them and how much they have let you down by not being better than they are.
2) Conversely, when your trainee succeeds, allow your jealousy to get the better of you and minimize their achievement with disinterest, disdain and ridicule.
3) Alternate steps one and two at maddening intervals. It is important for your trainee to learn that when they fail, they fail but, also, when they succeed, they fail as well.
4) Keep your trainee on edge. Surprise them with a hysteric meltdown at the most insignificant detail or by being absurdly jaunty and friendly when they have made a large and obvious mistake.
5) Teach your trainee that the easiest way to win your love, attention and affection is by screwing up as spectacularly as possible.
6) Make sure to infuse your trainee with guilt and shame over the fact that they do not feel safe or comfortable in your presence. The goal, of course, is for the trainee to equate looking after their own needs and safety with selfishness.
7) If your trainee creates something beautiful, imaginative or brilliant, destroy it. Preferably, right in front of them so they can see it.
8) Make sure your trainee understands that their feelings, whatever they may be, are a nuisance and a burden to you. Make them understand that normal people just don’t feel those types of things and that if they cared at all, they would not feel them either.
9) Make sure your trainee knows that you are brittle and delicate and that your happiness and well being is based entirely on their behavior. Just make sure to never let them know exactly which behaviors will keep you smiling and which will send you off on a tirade.
10) Be patient. It may take many, many years to reap the benefits of your training. Some stubborn individuals can struggle far into adulthood before their training ultimately succeeds. If you follow steps 1-10 religiously, however, chances are extremely good that you will achieve the desired result.

Max Mundan, How to Train a Suicide in Ten Easy Steps

© David Rutter 2014

Follow me on twitter @dmr226

" I am trying to scratch the veneer off some of our cherished delusions and take a look at what’s really inside. I’m sure I fail much more often than I succeed but I do hope I am always getting a little closer." No, you definitely succeed. Everything you write is ugly and beautiful at the same time. I love it.

And I am going to have to go with “Everything he writes is ugly and beautiful at the same time” as the tag line when I start promoting my book. Thanks so much.

i don't give your writing near as many hearts as i should. your writing is so forward and unforgiving that most of the time i don't know how to feel about it. there is a certain ambivalence that accompanies reading your posts as they seem to have a purpose outside of being entertaining. i'm no longer sure of my point but i will say you are admirable for sharing your experiences.

Ha. Thank you. I take this as a very large compliment. I am struggling to map the terrain of something deeper. Don’t get me wrong, I want my work to be entertaining much of the time but I am trying to scratch the veneer off some of our cherished delusions and take a look at what’s really inside. I’m sure I fail much more often than I succeed but I do hope I am always getting a little closer.

My acting career
has gone into free fall
The commercials and bit parts
have all run dry
My agent
isn’t taking
my calls anymore
And residual checks
when they finally arrive
aren’t enough
to squeeze out a latte
What’s a has-been never was
got to do
to pull his sweet ass
out of turnaround?

Now, I’ve heard of a place
where a man can relax
schmooze with the bigwigs
make some blockbuster
Hollywood deals
No, there ain’t no acting class
with this kind of juice
This ain’t no casting director workshop
I’m going to
willingly hand in
my Screen Actors Guild Card
for a brand new career
as an A.A. Superstar

After a brief stint in rehab
with Lindsay Lohan
I’m guest speaker
at a Beverly Hills meeting
Look, Sir Anthony Hopkins
Over there, it’s Tim Allen
After the meeting
at the Rock ‘n Roll Denny’s
Christian Slater asks
to buy me a coffee
I hear even Downy, Jr.
knows who I am
Looks like I finally made it
as a big fish
in a champagne filled bathtub
Look at me now, Ma
I’m an A.A. Superstar

I hear it’s never to late
to sleep my way
to the middle
So I starfuck my way
down the D list
I’ve done one of the original
MTV veejays
and a chick
from “Designing Women”
There was that time
in the bathroom
with that woman from “Star Trek”
and a night bumpin’ uglies
with Charo
Now, that may not sound
like a whole bunch o’ fun
but them’s the perks of the job
as an A.A. Superstar

Now I’m working the the circuit
and selling my tapes
for $3.99 a pop
Everyone on the west coast
can recite from memory
every salacious detail
of my story
It does break my heart
that I’ll never play Hamlet
but I’ll never need
to set my sights high
as an A.A. Superstar

Max Mundan, A.A. Superstar

© David Rutter 2014

Follow me on twitter @dmr226


Published again. This time it’s my piece, “Spring Street After Dark,” in the second issue of the wonderful Typehouse Magazine. Check it out here.


Published again. This time it’s my piece, “Spring Street After Dark,” in the second issue of the wonderful Typehouse Magazine. Check it out here.

(via karmamax)