i am going
to leave you
to apologize
to leave you
to back down
to leave you
to tell you i was wrong

The first time that you hit me, I wanted, so badly, to hit you right back; to slap some sense into your stupid, fucking face. Later, we sat on the couch at your friend’s house while you told me it was all my fault; that the words I used had pushed you into a corner and you had no other choice but to lash out; that I needed to be more careful about what I say to you; that you cannot be held responsible for your actions; that your well being is my responsibility and that if I was a decent human being I would do anything in my power to keep you from losing control.

i am going
to leave you
to bite my tongue
to leave you
to walk on eggshells
to leave you
to watch every word i say

Remember in the Disneyland parking lot, when you tried to hit me with that bottle of wine. You tried to kill me. That full bottle would, almost certainly have crushed my skull. I had to grab your hand and wrestle the bottle away from you. You were screaming like a banshee and shaking like a leaf. I looked in your eyes but I couldn’t see you at all. There was a stranger there. And you told me this was my fault too. That I made the mistake of standing up for myself and telling you what I wanted. I should have known better and it was perfectly reasonable of you to try to kill me.

i am going
to leave you
to shut down
to leave you
to roll into a ball
to leave you
to swallow my feelings

Then that time we went camping. We had a nice time until the sun went down and you said something about communism and I made the mistake of telling you that you were wrong. It was my fault, I know. I should have known better than to contradict you. Of course, something like that is going to make you fly off the handle. You were perfectly within your rights to pick up that knife and try to stab me in the neck. I’m only sorry that I was so weak that I had to stop you and pry the knife out of your hand. If I had been a good person, I would have just taken my punishment like I deserved. It was my fault. My fault.

i am not going
to leave you
to complain
to leave you
to protect myself
to leave you
fuck up again


i promise
baby

Max Mundan, Best Laid Plans

© David Rutter 2014

Follow me on twitter @dmr226

(via maxmundan)


i am going
to leave you
to apologize
to leave you
to back down
to leave you
to tell you i was wrong

The first time that you hit me, I wanted, so badly, to hit you right back; to slap some sense into your stupid, fucking face. Later, we sat on the couch at your friend’s house while you told me it was all my fault; that the words I used had pushed you into a corner and you had no other choice but to lash out; that I needed to be more careful about what I say to you; that you cannot be held responsible for your actions; that your well being is my responsibility and that if I was a decent human being I would do anything in my power to keep you from losing control.

i am going
to leave you
to bite my tongue
to leave you
to walk on eggshells
to leave you
to watch every word i say

Remember in the Disneyland parking lot, when you tried to hit me with that bottle of wine. You tried to kill me. That full bottle would, almost certainly have crushed my skull. I had to grab your hand and wrestle the bottle away from you. You were screaming like a banshee and shaking like a leaf. I looked in your eyes but I couldn’t see you at all. There was a stranger there. And you told me this was my fault too. That I made the mistake of standing up for myself and telling you what I wanted. I should have known better and it was perfectly reasonable of you to try to kill me.

i am going
to leave you
to shut down
to leave you
to roll into a ball
to leave you
to swallow my feelings

Then that time we went camping. We had a nice time until the sun went down and you said something about communism and I made the mistake of telling you that you were wrong. It was my fault, I know. I should have known better than to contradict you. Of course, something like that is going to make you fly off the handle. You were perfectly within your rights to pick up that knife and try to stab me in the neck. I’m only sorry that I was so weak that I had to stop you and pry the knife out of your hand. If I had been a good person, I would have just taken my punishment like I deserved. It was my fault. My fault.

i am not going
to leave you
to complain
to leave you
to protect myself
to leave you
fuck up again


i promise
baby

Max Mundan, Best Laid Plans

© David Rutter 2014

Follow me on twitter @dmr226


The sadness in your eyes
as you make love to me
so tenderly
is a hot needle in my heart
yet beautiful
beyond words
beyond compare

If I could be a surgeon
and, systematically
remove the tumor
of your past
or a miner
digging at the vein of heartbreak
that runs the length
of your yesterdays
‘til you’d been stripped of sorrow
completely
would you still
be you?

Or is your loveliness
your grace
your deep well
of strength and peace and calm
equal parts
tragedy and triumph?

And is this fierce melancholy
that we share
and that we cannot deny
the glue
that cements the bond
between us
together?

Max Mundan, To My Muse with Tears in Her Eyes

© David Rutter 2014

Follow me on twitter @dmr226


"It’s been twelve minutes
since my last shot,”
I say out loud, to no one in particular.

I mean my last shot
of heroin and cocaine, of course,
not the last shot
from the .45 in my hand.

That last shot was three minutes ago,

at that huge fucking rat

down in the alley below.

I’ll shoot at it again, too,
the next time it shows it’s ugly mug.

I’m gonna kill that stinkin’ rat

And there’s nothin’ you can do
to stop me but
that fact that it’s been twelve minutes
since my last shot of heroin and cocaine
means that I don’t have a lot of time
to get ready for the next one.

I’ve got to shoot up
every fifteen minutes now
or I’ll start to come down

And if I start to come down
then I will have to begin taking
a very serious look
at what I’m doing with my life

And sweet, suffering Jesus knows
that I sure as hell
don’t want to do that.

So it’s time to measure the dose and
I’ve got to do this carefully
because I’m really fucked up and
it would be so easy to make a mistake and
my heart already feels
like it’s going to explode from my chest.

So all it would take
is just a little too much coke in the mix
to pull the plug
on my poor, overworked heart and
I’d be lying dead
on the roof of this building,

Where nobody would find me
for, at least, a couple of weeks and
by then I’d be a stinking,
rotting corpse that no one would be able
to look at and

That fucking rat

would be fat and happy and
if there is one thing on this earth
that I am not going to allow to happen,
it’s to let that

fat, goddamn rat

win.

Max Mundan, One Speedball Over the Line, Sweet Jesus

© David Rutter 2014

Follow me on twitter @dmr226


I’m moving as slowly as I possibly can with the greatest amount of precision I can muster and if I just regulate my movements down to the tiniest detail and navigate this maze without even a single mistake then it is my hope that you will be okay because I worry so about your well being which seems dependent on my every movement and I seem to screw up somewhere every single time and I know if I were better it wouldn’t seem so hard and I could easily take every step you want me to take even though you’ve never bothered to tell me what those steps are and I’d be good enough and strong enough to keep you on an even keel instead of being such a fuck up who just can’t visualize the exact picture of what you want cause I must not be smart enough for if I were then getting through this maze would be as easy as pie despite the fact that you’ve never given me a map to it or shown me where it begins and ends or even told me a single thing about the maze at all but I should just be able to figure it out right out of the starting gate and if I was really worth something then this wouldn’t be a problem and you would be happy. Finally. Wouldn’t you?

Max Mundan, Walking on Eggshells

© David Rutter 2014

Follow me on twitter @dmr226


Q
That last one was wow. Lol
A

"Wow" is always a description I love. Thank you.


Wrap your waterfall legs
……..tightly
around my waist
take my bottom lip
…….. between
your front teeth
like the parting
of the clouds

Your hot springs hands
…….. cradle
the base of my spine
as your honey bee hips
…….. sing
canticles to
my blooming eruption

…….. It is unforgivable
…….. this ineffable semaphore
…….. the name of the holy
…….. must forever remain
…….. unspoken

Lift your sun-shower breasts
…….. furiously
to my voracious tongue
throw back your gossamer hair
…….. laugh
from your marrow
at the bottomless
joke

…….. About these secrets
…….. no word
…….. need ever pass
…….. our lips
…….. you and I
…….. understand each other
…….. perfectly

Max Mundan, We Speak (the wordless language)

© David Rutter 2014

Follow me on twitter @dmr226


William’s sullen, sulky wife
walked out of his life
once and for all
on a rainy afternoon
in February

It was less a case of one more whore
over the line
and more one of the airless prison
he had built for her
out of perjury and myth

His conjugal visits had become
a little less frequent
and a hell of a lot
more bleak

We humans are blessed with the byzantine craft
of convincing ourselves that the truth
is what we want to believe
that we can make people
into the friends and lovers
we want them to be

But when push came to shove
William didn’t want a smart, pretty wife
and a fairy tale house in the suburbs

He wanted a
cheap
dirty
motel room
a big ol’ pile of coke
and a Hollywood hooker
sucking his dick all night

And no amount of
love
devotion
faith
or sacrifice
was ever going to change that

Max Mundan, The Sad Truth is Some People Can’t Be Fixed

© David Rutter 2014

Follow me on twitter @dmr226


Marvis was my friend
he ran around
in his underwear
and got whipped
by his father’s belt
his revenge was served hot
by pissing
all over the coffee table
and whispering
“Shhhh. Don’t tell.”

I can’t sleep
I cry
like a…
like a…
like a…baby

Janice was my friend
she just kept falling
just kept falling
into the canal
over and over
they thought I was too young
to understand
she was trying
to kill herself
but I did
understand

I am cranky
I can’t sleep
I can’t…
can’t…
can’t…stop

Grandma was my friend
she was in the asylum
they told me that
so I’d be prepared
but the smell
of the people
the overwhelming smell
of her
was too much
too much to take
but not as frightening
as the sounds

I am uncomfortable
need to vomit
need to…
need to…
need to…grow up

Max Mundan, born, colicky, cranky

© David Rutter 2014

Follow me on twitter @dmr226


I want to be
somebody
Can you make me
somebody?
What must I do
to be
somebody?

His/her hands were all over me…brown spots…can’t take my eyes off the spots…age spots…and his/her lips…up and down my body…emitting foul breath…like the smell…of old people in church…on my cock…up and down…on my cock…better, at least…than the other way around…he/she will want that too…he/she always does…close my eyes…hold my breath…think of the future…he/she can give me

I am
a star
I’ve got to be
a star
I’ll do whatever it takes
to be
a star

I pray…for a night alone…without his/her clammy flesh…rubbing against mine…rolling over on me…in the night…my body feels…slimy, dirty…I am nauseous…every night…every day…I try to smile…it feels forced…it feels fake…can’t stand the sight…of his/her face…his/her voice…like nails…on a chalkboard…have to keep going…can’t stop now…remember…what he/she has given me

I deserve
respect
I demand
respect
My fame has earned me
your acquiescence, your
respect

He/she will touch me…they will do…what I tell them to…he/she will be docile…will get down…on his/her hands…and knees…he/she will put his/her mouth…on my cock…up and down…on my cock…he/she will follow orders…will do…as he/she is told…will tell no-one…about our arrangement…he/she should be thankful…should be grateful…for my company…should always consider…what I can give him/her

I will not be
forgotten
Only the nobodies are
forgotten
I am a star
have you
forgotten?

Max Mundan, Fame Whore: A Hollywood Horror Story

© David Rutter 2014

Follow me on twitter @dmr226