June222013

Rehab Stories: The World’s Worst Dating Service

Don’t fuck
Any of the women
That is the very first thing
You said to me
As I walked through the door
You forgot to mention
That it was also
A pretty good idea
Not to fuck
Any of the men
Not that I would
Under normal circumstances
But I’m incredibly bored
And I’ve got to find
SOMETHING
To do with my time

Heedless
Of the danger
Couples
Are pairing up
Like animals
Desperately mating
On Noah’s ark
Why would anyone
Want anyone here?
Unless the thought
Of dating someone
Whose life was a smoking ruin
Crushed into tiny, worthless pieces
Around their feet
Were enough to get you
Totally hot

Take a long, hard look
At the deep lines
In my tired face
See the terror and confusion
In my eyes?
You really want a piece of this?
The wheels have fallen
Off this cart already
I’m the wreckage
Lying in the ditch
I doubt I could
Get it up
Even if I wanted to

So if you
Absolutely
Positively
Categorically
Must get laid
Take a good look around
Somewhere on earth
You’ve got to be able to find
A less pathetic dating pool
Than this

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